and speak to me.
I want to feel You
I need to hear You.
It's a song I listen and sing to everyday. But sometimes I don't feel like that last line is how I truly feel...
Sometimes, I don't feel like "I need to hear you" because for the longest time I feel like I've been on my own - on my own with school, on my own dealing with my insecurities, on my own dealing with family problems, just on my own.
I think a lot of it has to do with pride. I'm proud of the fact that I can, for the most part, deal with school and academics on my own. I'm proud of the fact that I stayed strong through all the hardships my family experienced. I'm proud of a lot of things. And I want to feel You but for the longest time I've never felt like "I need to."
But lately, for some reason, that "I want to" has become an "I need to." And I know I need to but I just can't. I'm still afraid of letting go of the reins, letting go of everything and turning to You because for so long I've been in control, guiding my own fate. I don't know where you'll lead me to and to be honest it scares the shit out of me.
I think one of the scariest things I'm still trying to learn is that no matter how much effort and time I invest into something, such as school or even friends and family, I may still fall short and be disappointed. I've been taught by my parents since preschool that my success is directly correlated to the amount of effort and time I invest. And for the most part, my parents have been correct. When I practiced cello or guitar for hours on end, eventually I was able to master thumb position and artificial harmonics. When I shot hundreds of free throws, eventually I was able to make free throws at roughly a 84% clip. When I studied my ass off for organic chemistry, eventually I was able to earn one of the highest grade averages in the course.
But every so often I find situations where that correlation does not hold true. It depresses me when I realize that sometimes my effort and time were for nothing. And when I don't see the success and results that I expect, I feel confused, I feel lost, I feel broken. I'm tired of constantly trying to live up to society's expectations and standards. I'm tired of trying to prove to myself that I can do it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. I'm just tired.
Other Christians tell me that Your love is more than anything I can ever ask for in this life. If that's so, why do I still want recognition and respect from others? Why do I want to hear from a girl those eight letters, three words? Why do I want things that are nearly unattainable? Is it just human nature to want something I can't have or is there an emptiness I'm trying to fill? Why do I still feel so broken? Why do I never feel satisfied? Why do I feel like I'm just not good enough?
I want to be able to scream:
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything
And really mean it. I don't want them to be empty lyrics to a song I just sing because I like the melody. I want those words to be a true representation of my desire for You to be my everything. Because...
How can I stand here with You
and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me
how could it be
any better than this?
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