Words I Never Said (and Probably Will Never Say)

I still find it really funny that we never met until freshman year orientation despite the fact we live only roughly a fifteen-minute car drive from each other. I don't really know what it was that drew us closer at first as friends - perhaps because we were in the same orientation group with aspirations to become doctors, or maybe it's because you were just a fun, outgoing girl who liked to meet new people, or maybe it's because we discovered we actually live really close to each other in Jersey and had something in common to talk about.

Whatever the reason, I can honestly say that meeting you at orientation and staying friends with you was the single greatest blessing God has granted me here at my undergraduate career at NYU. Through the highs and lows, the best and the worst, through all the pointless all nighters for general chemistry with Halpin, through the anger and frustration that was organic chemistry with Jones, and through the failure of physics professors (MacFailden), I find it both unbelievable and deeply moving that we stayed close friends.

Don't you think it's funny that after orientation we didn't really keep in contact the rest of the summer but then somehow through mutual friends we met again? And from that point on our friendship only grew stronger - countless all nighters spent on gen chem and calc 1, the French fries sprinkled with so much salt that made my face cringe at Third North dining hall, doing a bunch of stupid dances at Third North dance room and watching me fail at body rolls, and actually discovering that there was a drink known as bubble tea together (Northern Jersey problems). I look back at everything and find that we shared so many experiences together, the simple memories that I'll cherish for a lifetime, no matter where life may take me.

Our friendship is an interesting one to say the least; we constantly tease and insult each other but we both know that it's all in good fun. Hey, at one point, according to Facebook, we were technically husband and wife. Forever the cow! (but not really forever).

I still remember how excited yet embarrassed you were to tell me about your first kiss. It's strange to think how that was more than two years ago but only feels like yesterday. I think for me at least, the most fun I had was just being able to watch football and basketball with you. Not going to lie, it's pretty awesome when a girl knows her sports, not to mention be that passionate as you are (Nets are still going to beat the Bulls though).

And when I look back at our friendship, I can't help but also feel like I've wronged you in so many ways that it would probably take at least as long as medical school to make up for everything. I honestly wished you had told me how much of a jerk, asshole, whatever you want to say, I was. Why didn't you tell me how much of a stress I was to be around? But despite all the stress and negativity I put on you, you were the one who still managed to see the little good in me at the time, the one who gave me numerous second chances. And when Christians talk about forgiveness and unconditional love and how it is something we should all keep in mind and work towards, I know that God is here with me because I have a friend like you, one who always refused to give up on me.

I'll be frank. The lines and boundaries of our friendship started blurring for me a couple of months ago. I was in denial about it, constantly telling myself that it can't be, it shouldn't be, it won't be. But when I sat down and thought about it, I knew. The one girl who has always been there. The one girl who might love football and basketball more than I do. The one girl who can both sing and dance (really well might I add). The one girl with a heart bigger than I could have ever imagined.

I'm fairly positive that the thought has never crossed your mind and why should it have? At times I still ask myself if I even have the right to, especially after all that I've wronged you. But a little part of me holds onto a thin line of hope that maybe, just maybe.

I've always been the friend. The perfect platonic friend. And our friendship has built upon this idea of us always being the perfect platonic friendship. But I don't want it to be any longer. Everyday, for the past two months, I want to see you, I want to text you, I want to hear your voice, I want to share my worries and fears and hear yours, I want to grab food with you, I want to watch basketball together, I want to walk through the streets at night with you...

But I'm so afraid. Afraid that these words, the words I never said and probably will never say, might ruin our friendship. Would it be a betrayal of the trust you have for me as a friend? Would it be nothing but an act of selfishness to honestly confess how I feel? If you ever found out, can we still be as close as before?

Normally I would tell myself I would confess because I don't want to think about the 'what ifs' and such. I don't want to regret not saying anything. But this time, just this once, I think holding onto the words I never said may be the right thing.