Carrying my Heart on my Sleeve Isn't Really my Thing

It's a pretty common expression - "carrying your heart on your sleeve."

I've always admired people who are able to do just that. They appear so confident and free. I want to be able to say "I honestly don't give a fuck what you think about me and I'm going to say and show what I feel because I can."

Now I'm not saying that it's okay to say whatever I want to. For example, it'd be flat out rude and disrespectful of me to call someone an idiot because I believed they were an idiot.

If I can think of a good example to illustrate the idea I'm trying to convey, then I'd pick Kobe Bryant. Kobe has always been an outspoken, self-confident baller. He demands perfection out of everyone, including himself, and isn't afraid to say it. He doesn't care what critics have to say about him. He says what he wants and leaves it at that, never once turning his head to look back. He gives everything 110% effort to prove his doubters wrong.

I look at Kobe and how he carries his heart on his sleeve. He lays everything out there for the world to dissect and criticize. But in the end, he still knows that he is who he is, no matter what anyone has to say. Then I look at myself. Why can't I just carry my heart on my sleeve? Why can't I just say what I honestly want to? Why do I worry so much about the after effects?

I think most of it stems from the fact that whenever I truly opened up to someone who I believed cared, they left me. They left me hanging onto the idea that they cared. They left me to wonder why they chose to walk away from everything. They left me with my trust in relationships shattered. I try to not expect anything from others anymore because I don't want to be disappointed more than anything else. Maybe I just hope for the best out of people too often. If anything, my past relationships have taught me that people will always constantly disappoint me.

Another part of it might be more subconscious than anything else. I've grown up with the societal idea that men don't really show their emotions because it's considered to be "sensitive" and "unmasculine." I guess that idea that has perpetuated upon itself. Generally I feel like talking about my own "feelings" and problems and worries would make me appear weak and incapable of solving something on my own. I don't want to portray the image that I need somebody else's help. I'm a person who takes great pride in being able to reason things out and then come up with a rational way to solve those problems.

There are still so many things I want to say to certain people. I want to tell the girl who led me on: "You really hurt me." It's such a simple statement to say but I still can't bring myself to say it. Part of me wants an apology still because I feel like I deserve one. Part of me believes that it's not worth the effort anymore because she seems like she's moved on so I should to. Part of me thinks that she's just one of those people that'll never admit to what she did. Whatever the reason, that simple statement is still something I want to say. 

I don't really know what it is that prevents me from sharing how I feel, even to my own friends and family. Out of all people, I feel like I should be able to tell them at least. But I don't. I don't want them to worry because all of them already have their own problems to deal with. In a way to block out others and hide myself, I usually just end up saying unnecessary insults to push others away from me. Stripping others of the opportunity to connect to me is just me trying to save myself from that disappointment I was talking about earlier.

But as I write this, I ask myself: "Can I really keep on living like this?" Can I maintain this "distance" from others forever? Can I really make it through life on my own? Can I bring myself to trust people again? Can I get over my own insecurities to carry my heart on my sleeve?