They Say the Third Time is a Charm...

"If only time flew like a dove / Well God, make it fly faster than I'm falling in love"

I've never considered Paramore to be a band that wrote great lyrics but for some reason recently, I wish God could actually make this line come true. Pathetic loser, hopeless romantic - I'm not quite sure what to call myself these days but I just want these feelings to stop.

My friends tell me to be careful; I tell them I won't fall for her again. And yet here I am, typing away on this post despite knowing she'll probably read this at some point. How is it that every single time I feel like I can get through a day without thinking about her, she somehow knows to contact me so that I can't? Does she just intuitively know that she should text me so I'll continue to think about her each day forward?

I guess as humans we will always have a soft spot in our hearts for the people we care about. And it's one of the most comforting, reassuring feelings we can experience to know that the ones we hold dear, care about us in return. The moment we hear it from them is when we know we mean something to them, when we're actually worth it.

But what if their actions say otherwise? If you care about someone, would you hurt them? At what point do you realize you should stop, putting your selfish desires aside to protect the person you said you care about? I guess it would be a lie to say that I didn't feel like she owed me an apology and explanation. "An honest mistake" - a simple phrase, shot straight to the heart. She told me she can't trust God to bring her the right guy at the right time. Do you really ever know? I guess I was the only one who felt that way...

There's so many things I still want to say:

You say we can be friends, but how can you play with my emotions like that and act like everything is okay? I don't understand how you can tell yourself it's okay because it's not. I'm not okay.
What was really the point of getting me to fall for you again? Was I just an ego-boost, a way for you to prove to yourself that you could get a guy to fall for you? Did you pick me because I was convenient and easy? For some reason, it feels like you knew the whole time you had me in the palm of your hand.
How far were you going to go find out if I liked you? And once you knew, how did you feel? Satisfied, happy, content?
And lastly, the one thing I want to ask but don't because I'm afraid to hear your answer - was there ever one moment you truly felt like you wanted to be with me?

Now it's come to the point where we're starting to talk again. I fear I may be falling for you a third time. They say the third time is a charm but...I don't think it will be.