Throughout grade school and college, I've been labeled as "the smart student" or "the smart Asian." And ever since I feel like everything I've done regarding school has further solidified that image/reputation.
Everybody wants to be able to tell themselves that they are good at something; everybody wants to be proud of being able to showcase a certain skill or talent - for some people that might be singing, for others dance, for some sports, for others grades.
That last category is me. Grades. Academics. Straight A's. More AP courses than I can count with my fingers. Graduated top 5 out of high school. Near 4.0 science GPA as a biology major.
I grew up believing that the only thing I had to be proud of was my grades and my academic achievements. I was almost always the last kid picked to be on somebody's team for dodgeball or kickball. I was too short to ball with kids for a pickup game. I never liked the sound of my voice when I sang. I was too shy to ever perform cello as a soloist. No girl has ever honestly once told me she just likes me as a person. I was the short, chubby Asian kid who everybody knew as the stereotypical "Asian nerd." Even within my close group of friends, I was always called "the smart one," "the nerd," or any other synonym you want to throw in.
And the "smarts" or intelligence that I supposedly have according to my peers has only been exploited. In junior year of high school, there was this girl I liked for over a year. We were in a lot of classes together but I'm pretty sure she didn't know I existed. To my surprise, we were put on a group project together for AP English and I finally got the chance to talk to her. And for those of you who may be thinking that this is sounding like the typical story of "boy liking a girl out of his league" and so on...well, you can't be more mistaken. She was just an average girl. Cute smile. Long, wavy brown hair. Big, black opaque eyes. Friendly.
The project went really well. We ended up getting the highest mark in the class. And we quickly hit it off (or so I thought). We began studying after school together, hanging out a lot, texting throughout the night, etc. I felt like that maybe this time...
But when I finally confessed, she replied with an answer that I never saw coming: "Oh, you really didn't think I liked you, did you? I thought it was pretty obvious that we were only friends. I mean it's great that you're helping me out so much with classes and stuff though."
I still can't tell if she actually wanted to be friends or just used me to help her with classes. It's somewhat pathetic that I still haven't let go of this from the past. I mean it's been almost five years. Like, seriously, get over it, right?
But I can't help but think from time to time that the people I consider my closest friends today maybe actually don't even really like me all that much as a friend. I notice that I'm usually the one who has to make the effort for us to meet up and hang out and do something together. I'm usually the one who initiates conversation. I'm usually the one waiting...
I don't really consider myself all that great of a person either. Maybe I'm just bitter from this idea that I don't really have anything to offer except my grades/academics. And that makes me think even more: "Why do the people who I consider my friends even bother talking to me sometimes?" Sometimes I actually believe they probably would live less stressful lives and wouldn't have to deal with an asshole, douchebag, self-conceited jerk like me. Occasionally I want to ask, "Would you still be friends with me if I was just an average student?"
And for everyone throughout the years who has commented on how I go overboard with bragging about my grades and such.
Say I told you that my grades/academics are the only things I feel like I have to be proud of and the only things I have to offer. Say I told you that I brag about my grades to hide the fact that I'm so insecure about myself from everyone. Say I told you I do all this because I'm so pathetic and insecure that I have to be able to see that I am better than somebody else at something through other people's shortcomings.
As pathetic and borderline malicious as that may seem, I have this necessity to know that I'm better than other people at something. Because growing up, my grades were the only thing that kept me going. If I lose that now, what do I become but just another grain of sand...
And I know I'm a douchebag. Everybody says it all the time. But what's the point of trying to change that image once it has been drilled into everybody's mind? No matter how much I want to change that now I can't. It's not possible because that image has stuck with me for too long. And say I do change for the better, become more empathetic towards others...if I'm ever stressed or upset and just act "like a douchebag," people will just say, "Oh you're being a douchebag again." Well I'm sorry everyone, but no matter how much I want to change that image, it won't change because y'all believe that's what I am.
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