Congratulations AACF Class of 2013

Congratulations to the class of 2013. I know that all of you will go on to do great things in your respective careers. Thank you all so much for your guidance and compassion over the last two years since I've joined AACF. Keep in touch!

May the best of your today's be the worst of your tomorrow's

Finally they got it right!

Thank you Venus for your compassion and steadfast guidance over the last two years. I still have so much to learn and hope that I can faithfully guide others the way you have.

Thank you Janelle for the fun, engaging conversations on Kimmel 7. I know that you will go on to be a great nurse because there is no one I can think of who is more compassionate and empathetic and caring as you.

Thank you Cathy for your enthusiasm and energy. The words outreach still resonate in my mind. I hope to see your photos on TIME or something one day! 

Thank you Carrie so much for all the long talks that I know must have frustrated you beyond belief. Thank you for always being the best jiejie anyone could ever ask for.

Thank you Lin for being the best bro over the last two years. We've talked about everything from girls to cars to photography. I hope there's more bro conversations to come.

To Smorgasburg in the Midst of Finals

Tiffany you look beautiful here :)

Lumpia Shack! Pork, truffle adobo mushroom, and duck

In the midst of finals, it was nice to just escape from studying and Manhattan for a few hours. My friend Tiffany and I went to Smorgasburg at Williamsburg, Brooklyn to eat some good food. Yay for foodies! As usual, Smorgasburg did not disappoint, although it would have been nicer if the weather cooperated. All in all, I had a great time, eating delicious food, going to random hipster clothing and jewelry stores, and such. Hope you had fun also Tiffany! :D

Brooklyn Oyster Party! ME, CT, RI

The famous Mighty Quinn's Brikset! Waited forever in line...

Cake Bites! salted caramel and chocolate mint

Find Me Here...

Find me here
and speak to me.
I want to feel You
I need to hear You.

It's a song I listen and sing to everyday. But sometimes I don't feel like that last line is how I truly feel...

Sometimes, I don't feel like "I need to hear you" because for the longest time I feel like I've been on my own - on my own with school, on my own dealing with my insecurities, on my own dealing with family problems, just on my own.

I think a lot of it has to do with pride. I'm proud of the fact that I can, for the most part, deal with school and academics on my own. I'm proud of the fact that I stayed strong through all the hardships my family experienced. I'm proud of a lot of things. And I want to feel You but for the longest time I've never felt like "I need to."

But lately, for some reason, that "I want to" has become an "I need to." And I know I need to but I just can't. I'm still afraid of letting go of the reins, letting go of everything and turning to You because for so long I've been in control, guiding my own fate. I don't know where you'll lead me to and to be honest it scares the shit out of me.

I think one of the scariest things I'm still trying to learn is that no matter how much effort and time I invest into something, such as school or even friends and family, I may still fall short and be disappointed. I've been taught by my parents since preschool that my success is directly correlated to the amount of effort and time I invest. And for the most part, my parents have been correct. When I practiced cello or guitar for hours on end, eventually I was able to master thumb position and artificial harmonics. When I shot hundreds of free throws, eventually I was able to make free throws at roughly a 84% clip. When I studied my ass off for organic chemistry, eventually I was able to earn one of the highest grade averages in the course.

But every so often I find situations where that correlation does not hold true. It depresses me when I realize that sometimes my effort and time were for nothing. And when I don't see the success and results that I expect, I feel confused, I feel lost, I feel broken. I'm tired of constantly trying to live up to society's expectations and standards. I'm tired of trying to prove to myself that I can do it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. I'm just tired.

Other Christians tell me that Your love is more than anything I can ever ask for in this life. If that's so, why do I still want recognition and respect from others? Why do I want to hear from a girl those eight letters, three words? Why do I want things that are nearly unattainable? Is it just human nature to want something I can't have or is there an emptiness I'm trying to fill? Why do I still feel so broken? Why do I never feel satisfied? Why do I feel like I'm just not good enough?

I want to be able to scream:

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything

And really mean it. I don't want them to be empty lyrics to a song I just sing because I like the melody. I want those words to be a true representation of my desire for You to be my everything. Because...

How can I stand here with You
and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me 
how could it be
any better than this?

I Wish I Could Keep my Promise

So due to some unforeseen circumstances, I confessed to you slightly reluctantly. I didn't really think it would ever have to get to that point but I felt like you deserved an explanation as to why all your best friends were hiding something from you.

And I know we said that we would stay friends and stay close and that we'd be okay. We're going to be okay...right?

I want to tell you we're going to be okay and stay close. I really do. But I can't...because it wouldn't be the the truth.

I don't know if we will be. I don't know if I will be (at least for now).

I know it'll be hard for me but I think I need to step back for a moment and deal with my emotions on my own. I don't want to lose you as a friend and the way I see it is that I need to sort out my own feelings first before I can return to being the "best friend."

So if you ever get a chance to read this...
If I seem like I'm being distant...
If I seem like I'm being cold...
If I seem like I'm not making the effort to meet up...

It really isn't you...
It's just me...

Carrying my Heart on my Sleeve Isn't Really my Thing

It's a pretty common expression - "carrying your heart on your sleeve."

I've always admired people who are able to do just that. They appear so confident and free. I want to be able to say "I honestly don't give a fuck what you think about me and I'm going to say and show what I feel because I can."

Now I'm not saying that it's okay to say whatever I want to. For example, it'd be flat out rude and disrespectful of me to call someone an idiot because I believed they were an idiot.

If I can think of a good example to illustrate the idea I'm trying to convey, then I'd pick Kobe Bryant. Kobe has always been an outspoken, self-confident baller. He demands perfection out of everyone, including himself, and isn't afraid to say it. He doesn't care what critics have to say about him. He says what he wants and leaves it at that, never once turning his head to look back. He gives everything 110% effort to prove his doubters wrong.

I look at Kobe and how he carries his heart on his sleeve. He lays everything out there for the world to dissect and criticize. But in the end, he still knows that he is who he is, no matter what anyone has to say. Then I look at myself. Why can't I just carry my heart on my sleeve? Why can't I just say what I honestly want to? Why do I worry so much about the after effects?

I think most of it stems from the fact that whenever I truly opened up to someone who I believed cared, they left me. They left me hanging onto the idea that they cared. They left me to wonder why they chose to walk away from everything. They left me with my trust in relationships shattered. I try to not expect anything from others anymore because I don't want to be disappointed more than anything else. Maybe I just hope for the best out of people too often. If anything, my past relationships have taught me that people will always constantly disappoint me.

Another part of it might be more subconscious than anything else. I've grown up with the societal idea that men don't really show their emotions because it's considered to be "sensitive" and "unmasculine." I guess that idea that has perpetuated upon itself. Generally I feel like talking about my own "feelings" and problems and worries would make me appear weak and incapable of solving something on my own. I don't want to portray the image that I need somebody else's help. I'm a person who takes great pride in being able to reason things out and then come up with a rational way to solve those problems.

There are still so many things I want to say to certain people. I want to tell the girl who led me on: "You really hurt me." It's such a simple statement to say but I still can't bring myself to say it. Part of me wants an apology still because I feel like I deserve one. Part of me believes that it's not worth the effort anymore because she seems like she's moved on so I should to. Part of me thinks that she's just one of those people that'll never admit to what she did. Whatever the reason, that simple statement is still something I want to say. 

I don't really know what it is that prevents me from sharing how I feel, even to my own friends and family. Out of all people, I feel like I should be able to tell them at least. But I don't. I don't want them to worry because all of them already have their own problems to deal with. In a way to block out others and hide myself, I usually just end up saying unnecessary insults to push others away from me. Stripping others of the opportunity to connect to me is just me trying to save myself from that disappointment I was talking about earlier.

But as I write this, I ask myself: "Can I really keep on living like this?" Can I maintain this "distance" from others forever? Can I really make it through life on my own? Can I bring myself to trust people again? Can I get over my own insecurities to carry my heart on my sleeve?

Contact

One Insecurity, Many Doubts

Throughout grade school and college, I've been labeled as "the smart student" or "the smart Asian." And ever  since I feel like everything I've done regarding school has further solidified that image/reputation.

Everybody wants to be able to tell themselves that they are good at something; everybody wants to be proud of being able to showcase a certain skill or talent - for some people that might be singing, for others dance, for some sports, for others grades.

That last category is me. Grades. Academics. Straight A's. More AP courses than I can count with my fingers. Graduated top 5 out of high school. Near 4.0 science GPA as a biology major.

I grew up believing that the only thing I had to be proud of was my grades and my academic achievements. I was almost always the last kid picked to be on somebody's team for dodgeball or kickball. I was too short to ball with kids for a pickup game. I never liked the sound of my voice when I sang. I was too shy to ever perform cello as a soloist. No girl has ever honestly once told me she just likes me as a person. I was the short, chubby Asian kid who everybody knew as the stereotypical "Asian nerd." Even within my close group of friends, I was always called "the smart one," "the nerd," or any other synonym you want to throw in.

And the "smarts" or intelligence that I supposedly have according to my peers has only been exploited. In junior year of high school, there was this girl I liked for over a year. We were in a lot of classes together but I'm pretty sure she didn't know I existed. To my surprise, we were put on a group project together for AP English and I finally got the chance to talk to her. And for those of you who may be thinking that this is sounding like the typical story of "boy liking a girl out of his league" and so on...well, you can't be more mistaken. She was just an average girl. Cute smile. Long, wavy brown hair. Big, black opaque eyes. Friendly.

The project went really well. We ended up getting the highest mark in the class. And we quickly hit it off (or so I thought). We began studying after school together, hanging out a lot, texting throughout the night, etc. I felt like that maybe this time...

But when I finally confessed, she replied with an answer that I never saw coming: "Oh, you really didn't think I liked you, did you? I thought it was pretty obvious that we were only friends. I mean it's great that you're helping me out so much with classes and stuff though."

I still can't tell if she actually wanted to be friends or just used me to help her with classes. It's somewhat pathetic that I still haven't let go of this from the past. I mean it's been almost five years. Like, seriously, get over it, right?

But I can't help but think from time to time that the people I consider my closest friends today maybe actually don't even really like me all that much as a friend. I notice that I'm usually the one who has to make the effort for us to meet up and hang out and do something together. I'm usually the one who initiates conversation. I'm usually the one waiting...

I don't really consider myself all that great of a person either. Maybe I'm just bitter from this idea that I don't really have anything to offer except my grades/academics. And that makes me think even more: "Why do the people who I consider my friends even bother talking to me sometimes?" Sometimes I actually believe they probably would live less stressful lives and wouldn't have to deal with an asshole, douchebag, self-conceited jerk like me. Occasionally I want to ask, "Would you still be friends with me if I was just an average student?"

And for everyone throughout the years who has commented on how I go overboard with bragging about my grades and such.

Say I told you that my grades/academics are the only things I feel like I have to be proud of and the only things I have to offer. Say I told you that I brag about my grades to hide the fact that I'm so insecure about myself from everyone. Say I told you I do all this because I'm so pathetic and insecure that I have to be able to see that I am better than somebody else at something through other people's shortcomings.

As pathetic and borderline malicious as that may seem, I have this necessity to know that I'm better than other people at something. Because growing up, my grades were the only thing that kept me going. If I lose that now, what do I become but just another grain of sand...

And I know I'm a douchebag. Everybody says it all the time. But what's the point of trying to change that image once it has been drilled into everybody's mind? No matter how much I want to change that now I can't. It's not possible because that image has stuck with me for too long. And say I do change for the better, become more empathetic towards others...if I'm ever stressed or upset and just act "like a douchebag," people will just say, "Oh you're being a douchebag again." Well I'm sorry everyone, but no matter how much I want to change that image, it won't change because y'all believe that's what I am.