So due to some unforeseen circumstances, I confessed to you slightly reluctantly. I didn't really think it would ever have to get to that point but I felt like you deserved an explanation as to why all your best friends were hiding something from you.
And I know we said that we would stay friends and stay close and that we'd be okay. We're going to be okay...right?
I want to tell you we're going to be okay and stay close. I really do. But I can't...because it wouldn't be the the truth.
I don't know if we will be. I don't know if I will be (at least for now).
I know it'll be hard for me but I think I need to step back for a moment and deal with my emotions on my own. I don't want to lose you as a friend and the way I see it is that I need to sort out my own feelings first before I can return to being the "best friend."
So if you ever get a chance to read this...
If I seem like I'm being distant...
If I seem like I'm being cold...
If I seem like I'm not making the effort to meet up...
It really isn't you...
It's just me...
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Words I Never Said (and Probably Will Never Say)
I still find it really funny that we never met until freshman year orientation despite the fact we live only roughly a fifteen-minute car drive from each other. I don't really know what it was that drew us closer at first as friends - perhaps because we were in the same orientation group with aspirations to become doctors, or maybe it's because you were just a fun, outgoing girl who liked to meet new people, or maybe it's because we discovered we actually live really close to each other in Jersey and had something in common to talk about.
Whatever the reason, I can honestly say that meeting you at orientation and staying friends with you was the single greatest blessing God has granted me here at my undergraduate career at NYU. Through the highs and lows, the best and the worst, through all the pointless all nighters for general chemistry with Halpin, through the anger and frustration that was organic chemistry with Jones, and through the failure of physics professors (MacFailden), I find it both unbelievable and deeply moving that we stayed close friends.
Don't you think it's funny that after orientation we didn't really keep in contact the rest of the summer but then somehow through mutual friends we met again? And from that point on our friendship only grew stronger - countless all nighters spent on gen chem and calc 1, the French fries sprinkled with so much salt that made my face cringe at Third North dining hall, doing a bunch of stupid dances at Third North dance room and watching me fail at body rolls, and actually discovering that there was a drink known as bubble tea together (Northern Jersey problems). I look back at everything and find that we shared so many experiences together, the simple memories that I'll cherish for a lifetime, no matter where life may take me.
Our friendship is an interesting one to say the least; we constantly tease and insult each other but we both know that it's all in good fun. Hey, at one point, according to Facebook, we were technically husband and wife. Forever the cow! (but not really forever).
I still remember how excited yet embarrassed you were to tell me about your first kiss. It's strange to think how that was more than two years ago but only feels like yesterday. I think for me at least, the most fun I had was just being able to watch football and basketball with you. Not going to lie, it's pretty awesome when a girl knows her sports, not to mention be that passionate as you are (Nets are still going to beat the Bulls though).
And when I look back at our friendship, I can't help but also feel like I've wronged you in so many ways that it would probably take at least as long as medical school to make up for everything. I honestly wished you had told me how much of a jerk, asshole, whatever you want to say, I was. Why didn't you tell me how much of a stress I was to be around? But despite all the stress and negativity I put on you, you were the one who still managed to see the little good in me at the time, the one who gave me numerous second chances. And when Christians talk about forgiveness and unconditional love and how it is something we should all keep in mind and work towards, I know that God is here with me because I have a friend like you, one who always refused to give up on me.
I'll be frank. The lines and boundaries of our friendship started blurring for me a couple of months ago. I was in denial about it, constantly telling myself that it can't be, it shouldn't be, it won't be. But when I sat down and thought about it, I knew. The one girl who has always been there. The one girl who might love football and basketball more than I do. The one girl who can both sing and dance (really well might I add). The one girl with a heart bigger than I could have ever imagined.
I'm fairly positive that the thought has never crossed your mind and why should it have? At times I still ask myself if I even have the right to, especially after all that I've wronged you. But a little part of me holds onto a thin line of hope that maybe, just maybe.
I've always been the friend. The perfect platonic friend. And our friendship has built upon this idea of us always being the perfect platonic friendship. But I don't want it to be any longer. Everyday, for the past two months, I want to see you, I want to text you, I want to hear your voice, I want to share my worries and fears and hear yours, I want to grab food with you, I want to watch basketball together, I want to walk through the streets at night with you...
But I'm so afraid. Afraid that these words, the words I never said and probably will never say, might ruin our friendship. Would it be a betrayal of the trust you have for me as a friend? Would it be nothing but an act of selfishness to honestly confess how I feel? If you ever found out, can we still be as close as before?
Normally I would tell myself I would confess because I don't want to think about the 'what ifs' and such. I don't want to regret not saying anything. But this time, just this once, I think holding onto the words I never said may be the right thing.
Whatever the reason, I can honestly say that meeting you at orientation and staying friends with you was the single greatest blessing God has granted me here at my undergraduate career at NYU. Through the highs and lows, the best and the worst, through all the pointless all nighters for general chemistry with Halpin, through the anger and frustration that was organic chemistry with Jones, and through the failure of physics professors (MacFailden), I find it both unbelievable and deeply moving that we stayed close friends.
Don't you think it's funny that after orientation we didn't really keep in contact the rest of the summer but then somehow through mutual friends we met again? And from that point on our friendship only grew stronger - countless all nighters spent on gen chem and calc 1, the French fries sprinkled with so much salt that made my face cringe at Third North dining hall, doing a bunch of stupid dances at Third North dance room and watching me fail at body rolls, and actually discovering that there was a drink known as bubble tea together (Northern Jersey problems). I look back at everything and find that we shared so many experiences together, the simple memories that I'll cherish for a lifetime, no matter where life may take me.
Our friendship is an interesting one to say the least; we constantly tease and insult each other but we both know that it's all in good fun. Hey, at one point, according to Facebook, we were technically husband and wife. Forever the cow! (but not really forever).
I still remember how excited yet embarrassed you were to tell me about your first kiss. It's strange to think how that was more than two years ago but only feels like yesterday. I think for me at least, the most fun I had was just being able to watch football and basketball with you. Not going to lie, it's pretty awesome when a girl knows her sports, not to mention be that passionate as you are (Nets are still going to beat the Bulls though).
And when I look back at our friendship, I can't help but also feel like I've wronged you in so many ways that it would probably take at least as long as medical school to make up for everything. I honestly wished you had told me how much of a jerk, asshole, whatever you want to say, I was. Why didn't you tell me how much of a stress I was to be around? But despite all the stress and negativity I put on you, you were the one who still managed to see the little good in me at the time, the one who gave me numerous second chances. And when Christians talk about forgiveness and unconditional love and how it is something we should all keep in mind and work towards, I know that God is here with me because I have a friend like you, one who always refused to give up on me.
I'll be frank. The lines and boundaries of our friendship started blurring for me a couple of months ago. I was in denial about it, constantly telling myself that it can't be, it shouldn't be, it won't be. But when I sat down and thought about it, I knew. The one girl who has always been there. The one girl who might love football and basketball more than I do. The one girl who can both sing and dance (really well might I add). The one girl with a heart bigger than I could have ever imagined.
I'm fairly positive that the thought has never crossed your mind and why should it have? At times I still ask myself if I even have the right to, especially after all that I've wronged you. But a little part of me holds onto a thin line of hope that maybe, just maybe.
I've always been the friend. The perfect platonic friend. And our friendship has built upon this idea of us always being the perfect platonic friendship. But I don't want it to be any longer. Everyday, for the past two months, I want to see you, I want to text you, I want to hear your voice, I want to share my worries and fears and hear yours, I want to grab food with you, I want to watch basketball together, I want to walk through the streets at night with you...
But I'm so afraid. Afraid that these words, the words I never said and probably will never say, might ruin our friendship. Would it be a betrayal of the trust you have for me as a friend? Would it be nothing but an act of selfishness to honestly confess how I feel? If you ever found out, can we still be as close as before?
Normally I would tell myself I would confess because I don't want to think about the 'what ifs' and such. I don't want to regret not saying anything. But this time, just this once, I think holding onto the words I never said may be the right thing.
Monday, January 7, 2013
They Say the Third Time is a Charm...
"If only time flew like a dove / Well God, make it fly faster than I'm falling in love"
I've never considered Paramore to be a band that wrote great lyrics but for some reason recently, I wish God could actually make this line come true. Pathetic loser, hopeless romantic - I'm not quite sure what to call myself these days but I just want these feelings to stop.
My friends tell me to be careful; I tell them I won't fall for her again. And yet here I am, typing away on this post despite knowing she'll probably read this at some point. How is it that every single time I feel like I can get through a day without thinking about her, she somehow knows to contact me so that I can't? Does she just intuitively know that she should text me so I'll continue to think about her each day forward?
I guess as humans we will always have a soft spot in our hearts for the people we care about. And it's one of the most comforting, reassuring feelings we can experience to know that the ones we hold dear, care about us in return. The moment we hear it from them is when we know we mean something to them, when we're actually worth it.
But what if their actions say otherwise? If you care about someone, would you hurt them? At what point do you realize you should stop, putting your selfish desires aside to protect the person you said you care about? I guess it would be a lie to say that I didn't feel like she owed me an apology and explanation. "An honest mistake" - a simple phrase, shot straight to the heart. She told me she can't trust God to bring her the right guy at the right time. Do you really ever know? I guess I was the only one who felt that way...
There's so many things I still want to say:
You say we can be friends, but how can you play with my emotions like that and act like everything is okay? I don't understand how you can tell yourself it's okay because it's not. I'm not okay.
What was really the point of getting me to fall for you again? Was I just an ego-boost, a way for you to prove to yourself that you could get a guy to fall for you? Did you pick me because I was convenient and easy? For some reason, it feels like you knew the whole time you had me in the palm of your hand.
How far were you going to go find out if I liked you? And once you knew, how did you feel? Satisfied, happy, content?
And lastly, the one thing I want to ask but don't because I'm afraid to hear your answer - was there ever one moment you truly felt like you wanted to be with me?
Now it's come to the point where we're starting to talk again. I fear I may be falling for you a third time. They say the third time is a charm but...I don't think it will be.
I've never considered Paramore to be a band that wrote great lyrics but for some reason recently, I wish God could actually make this line come true. Pathetic loser, hopeless romantic - I'm not quite sure what to call myself these days but I just want these feelings to stop.
My friends tell me to be careful; I tell them I won't fall for her again. And yet here I am, typing away on this post despite knowing she'll probably read this at some point. How is it that every single time I feel like I can get through a day without thinking about her, she somehow knows to contact me so that I can't? Does she just intuitively know that she should text me so I'll continue to think about her each day forward?
I guess as humans we will always have a soft spot in our hearts for the people we care about. And it's one of the most comforting, reassuring feelings we can experience to know that the ones we hold dear, care about us in return. The moment we hear it from them is when we know we mean something to them, when we're actually worth it.
But what if their actions say otherwise? If you care about someone, would you hurt them? At what point do you realize you should stop, putting your selfish desires aside to protect the person you said you care about? I guess it would be a lie to say that I didn't feel like she owed me an apology and explanation. "An honest mistake" - a simple phrase, shot straight to the heart. She told me she can't trust God to bring her the right guy at the right time. Do you really ever know? I guess I was the only one who felt that way...
There's so many things I still want to say:
You say we can be friends, but how can you play with my emotions like that and act like everything is okay? I don't understand how you can tell yourself it's okay because it's not. I'm not okay.
What was really the point of getting me to fall for you again? Was I just an ego-boost, a way for you to prove to yourself that you could get a guy to fall for you? Did you pick me because I was convenient and easy? For some reason, it feels like you knew the whole time you had me in the palm of your hand.
How far were you going to go find out if I liked you? And once you knew, how did you feel? Satisfied, happy, content?
And lastly, the one thing I want to ask but don't because I'm afraid to hear your answer - was there ever one moment you truly felt like you wanted to be with me?
Now it's come to the point where we're starting to talk again. I fear I may be falling for you a third time. They say the third time is a charm but...I don't think it will be.
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