At What Point...

At what point do you sit down, look at yourself in the mirror and ask, "What are you doing?" At what point do you beg yourself to come back to reality and stop daydreaming in fantasies? At what point...

A year has gone by...far too quickly for my liking. It's strange how vastly different two summers can be - one in which you were my closest companion and one in which you are nothing more than an acquaintance, if even that.

It's funny how you managed to make me experience a roller coaster of emotions, ranging from disappointment and frustration to joy and excitement.But then again, maybe I only have myself to blame. Maybe I never should have let my feelings get the better of me. Maybe I never should have fallen for you.

However, I don't regret confessing my feelings. Because in that moment, what I felt was real. And even if you didn't feel the same way, I know that my feelings were genuine. I guess even today I think about it from time to time, wondering if I did something differently or said something else that perhaps our relationship would have taken a different course, that maybe the promises we made wouldn't have turned into hollow words. 

And I admit that there are a few things I would like to say but I'm choosing not to because I don't know if it's appropriate to anymore. They wouldn't really make a difference, right? 

I don't know if you'll ever read this but there is one thing that I do want to say. And that's...thank you. 

Thank you for taking the time to get to know me. Thank you for asking me about my relationship with God. Thank you for letting me into your life and sharing with me your aspirations, hopes, disappointments, and fears. And lastly, thank you for praying for me.

Would you think I'm crazy or hopeless if I told you I miss you? I wonder if you feel the same or if I'm just stuck in reverse.

I'm not really sure what our relationship will be tomorrow, a month from today, or even twenty years from now. But there's one thing that I do know - I'll be praying.

Finance and Christianity

Talking with my roommate, I mentioned how a lot of the Christians I know are in finance. He replied, "I don't understand how as a Christian you would ever go into finance or banking or anything of that sort. How is that supposed to be glorifying to God?"

And honestly I agree with him. A lot of the Sternies I know have said that they are simply interested in markets or find the job itself appealing but I always gave them the same response: "In the end, your entire career will still revolve around only one thing and that's maximizing profit."

How is a career that's based on making the most money you possibly can supposed to be glorifying to God? Are you actually doing anything that God calls upon you to do? I see people at Wall Street slaving away their lives, working for big shot MD's and CEO's. And for what purpose? Let's say it's not about the money. What else is there then? You get promoted and feel good about yourself? You get published in an article and earn fame and recognition? Everything is still about YOU. Sure you can say you're helping other people and companies by providing a service but the main goal is still to maximize profit. And no matter how you view it, the focal point will always be money.

If you ever come to a point where you have to lay someone off, are you going to just because somebody told you to? You might as well throw the poor soul off the Empire State Building. I'm quite disappointed and disgusted at how my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ can enter such a profession.

The reason I chose to go into medicine may seem cliché but I truly want to help others because I believe I can empathize with them. Ever since my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, I've wanted nothing more than to be able to help others who experience similar situations. 

I guess I don't understand how two different professions can be so vastly different.

To Love the Unlovely

"If you do not give up, but proceed to love the unlovely in a sustained way, they will eventually become lovely to you." - The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller

The Bible and Christians talk a lot about love. And I mean A LOT. Jesus once said, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." (Mark 12:31) But I feel like I don't have the desire to love everyone like Jesus calls upon me to. Some people are really annoying, some people I feel like are not worth my time, some people I just dislike for no apparent reason, and some people I just don't envision myself ever getting along with. I can't tell what's worse - the idea that I can't ever come to love someone or that it doesn't bother me that I can't ever come to love someone. 

One of my friends once told me that apathy is worse than hatred or anger. I asked her why.
"If you feel annoyed or angry towards someone it means deep down you still care to some extent, but if you're just apathetic or indifferent it means you don't even care. And that's why I think apathy is worse."

I never thought of it that way. I'm pretty indifferent to a lot of things. If something bothers me I'll force myself to ignore it so that eventually I won't care. I guess that's like the opposite of what Tim Keller was trying to say in a way.

And not to whine or complain but that's a lot of effort to love everyone. I think I'd go crazy having to talk to certain people. But why does Jesus say to love our neighbors as much as we love ourselves, if not more? 

My first thought was that it relieves you of the burden of hatred and bitterness. I can say from personal experience that it becomes very tiresome very quickly to be bitter towards someone. It's like a virus that proliferates and doesn't stop. You actually spend more effort and energy consistently hating other people than loving them. Think about it. When you hate somebody, you make the effort to either avoid said person or to make said person feel miserable. That's a lot of work! Not only that but whenever you see said person you usually feel down yourself. Low serotonin! It's a self-perpetuating downward spiral.

A virus has to be stopped by some external force or it will eventually just destroy its host. Our desire to love must be catalyzed by an external force as well - that catalyst is Jesus himself. 

Through his grace, sacrifice, and unconditional love, we need to find the desire to love others as Jesus loved us. Despite all our sins and unworthiness, Jesus paid the ultimate price by dying on the cross so we that we may be reborn.

So as I write this, I ask myself, what keeps me from feeling that desire to love?

Find Me Here...

Find me here
and speak to me.
I want to feel You
I need to hear You.

It's a song I listen and sing to everyday. But sometimes I don't feel like that last line is how I truly feel...

Sometimes, I don't feel like "I need to hear you" because for the longest time I feel like I've been on my own - on my own with school, on my own dealing with my insecurities, on my own dealing with family problems, just on my own.

I think a lot of it has to do with pride. I'm proud of the fact that I can, for the most part, deal with school and academics on my own. I'm proud of the fact that I stayed strong through all the hardships my family experienced. I'm proud of a lot of things. And I want to feel You but for the longest time I've never felt like "I need to."

But lately, for some reason, that "I want to" has become an "I need to." And I know I need to but I just can't. I'm still afraid of letting go of the reins, letting go of everything and turning to You because for so long I've been in control, guiding my own fate. I don't know where you'll lead me to and to be honest it scares the shit out of me.

I think one of the scariest things I'm still trying to learn is that no matter how much effort and time I invest into something, such as school or even friends and family, I may still fall short and be disappointed. I've been taught by my parents since preschool that my success is directly correlated to the amount of effort and time I invest. And for the most part, my parents have been correct. When I practiced cello or guitar for hours on end, eventually I was able to master thumb position and artificial harmonics. When I shot hundreds of free throws, eventually I was able to make free throws at roughly a 84% clip. When I studied my ass off for organic chemistry, eventually I was able to earn one of the highest grade averages in the course.

But every so often I find situations where that correlation does not hold true. It depresses me when I realize that sometimes my effort and time were for nothing. And when I don't see the success and results that I expect, I feel confused, I feel lost, I feel broken. I'm tired of constantly trying to live up to society's expectations and standards. I'm tired of trying to prove to myself that I can do it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. I'm just tired.

Other Christians tell me that Your love is more than anything I can ever ask for in this life. If that's so, why do I still want recognition and respect from others? Why do I want to hear from a girl those eight letters, three words? Why do I want things that are nearly unattainable? Is it just human nature to want something I can't have or is there an emptiness I'm trying to fill? Why do I still feel so broken? Why do I never feel satisfied? Why do I feel like I'm just not good enough?

I want to be able to scream:

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything

And really mean it. I don't want them to be empty lyrics to a song I just sing because I like the melody. I want those words to be a true representation of my desire for You to be my everything. Because...

How can I stand here with You
and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me 
how could it be
any better than this?

Words I Never Said (and Probably Will Never Say)

I still find it really funny that we never met until freshman year orientation despite the fact we live only roughly a fifteen-minute car drive from each other. I don't really know what it was that drew us closer at first as friends - perhaps because we were in the same orientation group with aspirations to become doctors, or maybe it's because you were just a fun, outgoing girl who liked to meet new people, or maybe it's because we discovered we actually live really close to each other in Jersey and had something in common to talk about.

Whatever the reason, I can honestly say that meeting you at orientation and staying friends with you was the single greatest blessing God has granted me here at my undergraduate career at NYU. Through the highs and lows, the best and the worst, through all the pointless all nighters for general chemistry with Halpin, through the anger and frustration that was organic chemistry with Jones, and through the failure of physics professors (MacFailden), I find it both unbelievable and deeply moving that we stayed close friends.

Don't you think it's funny that after orientation we didn't really keep in contact the rest of the summer but then somehow through mutual friends we met again? And from that point on our friendship only grew stronger - countless all nighters spent on gen chem and calc 1, the French fries sprinkled with so much salt that made my face cringe at Third North dining hall, doing a bunch of stupid dances at Third North dance room and watching me fail at body rolls, and actually discovering that there was a drink known as bubble tea together (Northern Jersey problems). I look back at everything and find that we shared so many experiences together, the simple memories that I'll cherish for a lifetime, no matter where life may take me.

Our friendship is an interesting one to say the least; we constantly tease and insult each other but we both know that it's all in good fun. Hey, at one point, according to Facebook, we were technically husband and wife. Forever the cow! (but not really forever).

I still remember how excited yet embarrassed you were to tell me about your first kiss. It's strange to think how that was more than two years ago but only feels like yesterday. I think for me at least, the most fun I had was just being able to watch football and basketball with you. Not going to lie, it's pretty awesome when a girl knows her sports, not to mention be that passionate as you are (Nets are still going to beat the Bulls though).

And when I look back at our friendship, I can't help but also feel like I've wronged you in so many ways that it would probably take at least as long as medical school to make up for everything. I honestly wished you had told me how much of a jerk, asshole, whatever you want to say, I was. Why didn't you tell me how much of a stress I was to be around? But despite all the stress and negativity I put on you, you were the one who still managed to see the little good in me at the time, the one who gave me numerous second chances. And when Christians talk about forgiveness and unconditional love and how it is something we should all keep in mind and work towards, I know that God is here with me because I have a friend like you, one who always refused to give up on me.

I'll be frank. The lines and boundaries of our friendship started blurring for me a couple of months ago. I was in denial about it, constantly telling myself that it can't be, it shouldn't be, it won't be. But when I sat down and thought about it, I knew. The one girl who has always been there. The one girl who might love football and basketball more than I do. The one girl who can both sing and dance (really well might I add). The one girl with a heart bigger than I could have ever imagined.

I'm fairly positive that the thought has never crossed your mind and why should it have? At times I still ask myself if I even have the right to, especially after all that I've wronged you. But a little part of me holds onto a thin line of hope that maybe, just maybe.

I've always been the friend. The perfect platonic friend. And our friendship has built upon this idea of us always being the perfect platonic friendship. But I don't want it to be any longer. Everyday, for the past two months, I want to see you, I want to text you, I want to hear your voice, I want to share my worries and fears and hear yours, I want to grab food with you, I want to watch basketball together, I want to walk through the streets at night with you...

But I'm so afraid. Afraid that these words, the words I never said and probably will never say, might ruin our friendship. Would it be a betrayal of the trust you have for me as a friend? Would it be nothing but an act of selfishness to honestly confess how I feel? If you ever found out, can we still be as close as before?

Normally I would tell myself I would confess because I don't want to think about the 'what ifs' and such. I don't want to regret not saying anything. But this time, just this once, I think holding onto the words I never said may be the right thing.

Sunday Sermons

I've attended City Grace Church enough times by now to know the worship team and to recognize specific faces. I thought that by attending a church where I knew a lot of people would be beneficial for me to try to build a sense of community. For a while I looked forward to going to church on Sunday. But with each passing week I began to feel more isolated as everyone at church already seemed to have their own friends and cliques. Even the people I knew seemed to enjoy each other's company while I stood by silently, often wanting to leave as soon as the sermon was over.

I guess I only have myself to blame in that I never really made an effort to get to know people but I've always been pretty reserved when it comes to introducing myself. I feel like I should attend church but I've always hated how the feeling of isolation and loneliness seems to follow me. As for the sermons themselves, I feel like I'm not getting much out of them either. I do pay attention and listen attentively but nothing ever really resonates with me. Is there a bigger problem I'm not seeing?

How I See God in My Friends

Roughly fifteen weeks remain until I take the Medical College Admission Test, better known as the MCAT. Pre-med students talk about the MCAT with their fellow classmates even before they begin their undergraduate careers, exemplifying how much of an emphasis the medical field places on this one standardized test. I have heard many horror stories since I was a freshman in high school about the MCAT and I still don't know what to expect.

When I first began my undergraduate career in the fall of 2010, I felt confident that I would be accepted into a top-tier medical school, whether that be NYU, Columbia, UCSF, etc. I quickly became friends with other pre-med students who all shared the same dream as me - to one day be able to help others as a doctor. Through this one common dream, my friends and I learned to study together and to support each other through many highs and lows.

I wish I could say that our friendships remained so strong that we never had any arguments or problems but unfortunately that is not the case. I personally felt that I was always good at dealing with the stress of academics but this was far from the truth. In my sophomore year, my friends and I all took the infamous organic chemistry. It is infamous for many reasons, the first being that it is considered to be one of the most difficult undergraduate science courses offered in any college curriculum. Second, specifically at NYU, our professor was known to give exams that had horribly low averages, often in the 40s or 50s. I took the advice of a friend who had just finished the course and studied in advance over the summer prior to the start of the course. By the time the first exam came around, I felt like I knew everything there was to know about organic chemistry - resonance, synthesis, mechanisms, etc.

But one by one, my friends succumbed under the stress and pressure of the course as the year progressed. I still feel terrible that at the time I failed to realize how stressed out each one of them were; I continued to be the same arrogant, cocky student I was from freshman year, joking out loud about how easy the exams were in front of the entire class. And slowly, all of my friends, one by one, began to avoid me throughout the school year. At first I figured they were all just busy with their own schedules and studying so I didn't think much of it. And for the entire school year, my friends and I slowly drifted apart.

Finished with organic chemistry forever, my friends and I began to hang out again in junior year like we had freshman year. I made a half-joking comment over dinner one day to one of them about how I found it funny we all never spent much time together sophomore year. "Do you want to know why we didn't hang out with you? It's because you stressed us the fuck out. I've cried on multiple occasions just because of you alone." My friend's words were one of the biggest wake-up calls of my life. The thought never occurred to me that my friends avoided me because my attitude towards my academics directly affected them as well. How could I call myself their friend when I was one of the reasons that brought them to the point of falling apart completely? To this day, I'm still grateful that they chose to remain my friends because I don't know what I would do without them - all throughout college they have always been there to listen to me when I needed someone to talk to, when I wanted a partner to grab lunch or dinner with, or when I just wanted to hang out with someone and talk about the most pointless things in the world. I truly believe that my group of friends have made me become a better person from the apathetic, arrogant, cocky, self-centered boy I was when I first entered college. It is in their unconditional love that I see God.

And it has been upsetting that many of the pre-med students who I became friends with have dropped the program for various reasons, the number one reason being mediocre grades. I can only imagine what it must feel like to give up on your dream of becoming a doctor only because you did not receive a high grade in a course that probably has nothing to do with medicine anyways. But God has a different plan for all of us as much as it still upsets me that many of my friends will not be joining me as a doctor. But I'm still happy that many of them will join me as nurses, physician assistants, etc. I believe that God is calling each one of them to be involved in healthcare in some way and I'm excited for the opportunity to be working with them in the future.

And although I have many doubts and worries with regards to the quickly approaching MCAT and applications I must fill out over the summer, I believe that if I submit my career and my life to God, He will ultimately lead me down the road meant for me, whether that be as a doctor or something completely different. But for now, I am going to return to reading up on neuromuscular junctions!

2012 - The Year I Found God Again

I can still vividly remember what everyone in my family was doing a few minutes prior to January 1, 2012 - my brother was over at his computer skyping one of his friends talking about graphics cards, my mother was calling my grandmother to wish her a happy new year, and my father was dozing off while watching TV, waiting to see the ball in Times Square drop when the clock struck midnight. As for me, I was sitting on the family room couch with Maitland Jones' organic chemistry textbook opened across my lap, reading up on the Diels-Alder reaction.

I wasn't one of those children that stated at an early age that I want to be a doctor when I grow up. It's really funny, in my honest opinion, that adults always ask young children, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" They can't seriously expect a child to know what he or she wants to do for the rest of their life, right? That's blasphemous! You often hear a variety of answers too - astronaut, singer, fashion designer, doctor, lawyer, football player, teacher, etc. But why is it that children repeat these answers specifically? I think it's because parents reinforce the idea that these occupations are what defines "success" in our modern society. Children don't really know what they want to do for the rest of their life, they merely say answers that are acceptable to parents. The way I came to realize that what I truly wanted to do was practice medicine also just happened to be the greatest challenge God presented to me in my life.

As a young Korean immigrant, I was not born into a Christian family. Both my parents considered themselves to be agnostic. Maybe there was some higher power, maybe not. So how did I end up finding God in my childhood? My parents quickly realized that my brother and I needed some form of a community in the States because my family did not know anybody in New Jersey. They figured joining a Korean church would be the easiest way to introduce my brother and me to kids around our age. Making friends did not come easily because I still could not speak English very well despite attending ESL classes at school. Other kids didn't bother to talk to me. And for my first year in America  I felt truly alone. Now I know what you're thinking, what does a five year-old kid know about loneliness, right? But let me tell you that kid did know loneliness, very well in fact. Loneliness was a kinder friend to him than other kids.

One summer day, my pastor at church came over to talk to me. He was quite young himself, 27 if I remember correctly. And he asked me, "Do you know about Jesus Christ?" I had been attending church for over a year and still did not know the gospel so I answered, "No." After the sermon, he asked me to grab lunch with him and he shared the gospel with me of how a man named Jesus Christ, the son of God, was sent to Earth to die for our sins and was resurrected to return to Heaven. I guess as a child I found the story fascinating, believing every minute detail, believing that this man, Jesus Christ, was my savior. And so for the next seven years I went to church, strengthening my faith in God.

But one phone call in my final year of middle school sparked my fall away from God. My grandfather in South Korea had been diagnosed with lung cancer for over a year. I remember, every night before I went to bed, praying to God to look over my grandfather. Just two summers prior, my grandfather and I had gotten closer - almost every morning he would take me to go hiking to see the sunrise. I always complained and asked him to let me sleep those extra five minutes that we all know don't really make us feel any better. "Every day is a new day and you want to start it off right, don't you?" I guess that's why to this day I still like to wake up early.

The look on my father's face as he answered the phone said it all...my grandfather had passed away.

Being only thirteen at the time, I didn't handle the news very well. As each day passed, all I could ask God was one thing: "Why?" Why did you not protect my grandfather? Why did you not answer my prayers? These were the questions that I still do not have answers to. No matter how hard I tried to make sense of the situation, I just grew more bitter and angrier. And as Christians we hold the believe that if we accept Jesus Christ as our savior we will join him in Heaven after we die. But what about my grandfather who I knew never accepted Jesus as his savior? Where was he? I grew up believing that God could perform wondrous miracles. I needed it more than ever at that moment.

I made a promise to myself. I would give God a second chance because I'm a firm believer in second chances. If he disappointed me again, I would give up on him completely. For some reason, my mother became diagnosed with breast cancer roughly a year after my grandfather's death. The news shattered all hope I had in God instantaneously. That was it. I'm done with God forever, I told myself.

All throughout high school, I lived with the constant fear of not knowing whether or not my mother would be alive the next day. My family at the time did not have the money to pay for chemotherapy in the States so my mother flew back to South Korea to receive chemotherapy there. I was so angry that my family didn't have the finances to pay for chemotherapy here. And it certainly didn't help that everyone at church repeated things like: "God has a plan for everything" or "God is testing you." What kind of sick, perverted test was this? I felt like nobody could understand what I was going through. And it didn't help that my relationship with my brother completely broke down. He began to resent me for trying to act like my mother around him.

"Hey, go finish your homework and play your games later."
"Stop fucking act like your mom because you're not!"
"What did you just say?"
"I said stop acting like your mom because you're not. Got it?!"

My father wasn't around much because he was busy with work. At the time I didn't really think about how it affected him but looking back on the whole situation, he always tried so hard to look strong for our sake. I can only imagine how hard it was for him, to think that the only woman he has ever loved in his life was riding on the fence between life and death.

By some miracle my mother is still with us today. But I didn't give credit to God. I was convinced that it was due to the hard work of the doctors who cared for my mother that she is still with us today. And for the rest of high school I stopped going to church and rejected God from my life entirely. The way I saw it, God didn't deserve to be in my life.

Like most high school graduates, the next big chapter of my life was college. Stuck choosing between Columbia's Fu Found School of Engineering and NYU's College of Arts and Sciences, I ultimately chose to attend NYU. Why would I give up going to an Ivy League school? 1) I really didn't want to do engineering. I only applied because my parents told me to. 2) I wanted to become a doctor. Why do I want to be a doctor? You might think it's because I want the recognition of being a doctor or perhaps for the money or whatever. But I truly want to become a doctor because I personally know what it's like to be in a family where disease is a real thing, not just some words in a textbook or actors on a movie screen. And with that mindset, I promised that I would become a doctor whatever it took because I wanted to be the doctor that could change people's and families' lives.

My freshman year at NYU was one for the ages. Thanks to one of my high school friends who was in NYU's 7-year dental program, I quickly made many friends. I also managed to make friends with some of my floormates who actually still remain some of my closest friends at NYU. But all in all, my freshman year consisted of doing a lot of stupid things like most college freshman - drinking, staying up all night for no reason, etc. And the bitterness that I built up in high school followed me to college. I found myself lashing out at my friends as I stressed over my academics. I considered my grades to be the most important thing in the world and I was willing to make any sacrifices to keep my GPA as close as possible to the elusive 4.0

Freshman year flew by and although I didn't do as well academically as I had hoped, I was feeling good about myself in general - I just found a research position in a behavioral neuroscience lab for the summer and my science GPA was still a 4.0.

Sophomore year came and it was supposed to be the hardest academically - I had both the infamous organic chemistry and molecular and cellular biology. I told myself that I just needed to get A's in these courses and I should be a shoe-in for medical school. I almost did, just one A- and three A's. Pretty good all in all. But sophomore year was more than just grades.

I was introduced to another Korean who attended a Christian fellowship at NYU - Intervarsity Asian-American Christian Fellowship - through a mutual friend. He invited me to come to one of their large groups so I figured why not. Actually I only went because I thought it was rude to say no so I ended up going. I didn't get much out of the speaker. For me it was just one of those talks about God and how Christians should strive to live our lives with God's love and grace in mind blah-blah-blah. But for some reason, I found the fellowship members to be really comfortable to talk to about, well, anything actually. For the first time in my life, I felt like I wasn't judged by a Christian for not being "Christian." It was really strange. I was so sure that these people would stop talking to me once I told them I wasn't Christian but they talked to me even more, asking me why I didn't believe in God. And for the longest time I used my scientific knowledge to present counterarguments to anything they had to say to me. I guess it was just a way for me to try and find the answer I wanted deep down. It was crazy how involved in the fellowship I was getting - I even attended a weekly small group and I never missed one of them the whole year. My small group leader asked me at the end of the year, "Why did you come out to every small group?" I didn't really have an answer. Looking back, I was seeking out God but just didn't know at the time.

Sophomore year came to a close and I was back working at the same research lab over the summer. But the summer brought me much unexpected drama. And it all begins with a girl from the fellowship. We were in the same grade but I didn't really get to know her during the school year. She was working in the city over the summer as well so naturally we began to hang out - a lot. We were texting every single day, skyping at night, and met up on weekends. My friend who worked with me at the research lab asked me if there was anything between her and me. I told him no but I didn't even know. She asked me why I gave up on Christianity and in God. I told her everything. She was the first person at NYU to ask me and the first person I told why. I found it surprising how much I found myself opening up to this girl who I only got to know for roughly one month.

Later I finally mustered up the courage and asked her, "What do you consider us to be?" She didn't know either. A week later we admitted we had feelings for each other but her next sentence cut me like a dagger: "I can't date you because you're not Christian." I always knew there were Christians who wouldn't date non-Christians; I never figured I'd be on the losing end of one of those situations though. I felt completely shut down but I knew she had the right to say no for whatever reason so I dropped the whole thing altogether. She however didn't. Although she rejected me already, she kept on complaining about why she felt like she was the only one putting any effort into the relationship (excuse me but what relationship?) and she constantly compared me to her ex-boyfriend. I let it go most of the time because I knew she was just being emotional but little by little I felt my self-esteem as a man being crushed piece by piece. I found myself pathetic that I could let one girl who already rejected me feel so small and worthless. And by the end of the summer we stopped talking to each other. How could someone who I felt so comfortable talking to become a total stranger?

I didn't know what to do. I talked to other fellowship members about the situation and they didn't know either. But all of them gave me one common advice - pray. I scoffed at them secretly. Prayer had never done anything for me but I figured I'd give it a try because nothing I was doing was making me feel better. So before I went to bed I prayed, just like how I prayed for my grandfather seven years ago. At first it was strange and uncomfortable. It's sort of like the feeling you get when you just feel so out of place in a room with strangers you have no idea what to do. My words seemed to vanish into thin air the first night. But I kept on praying every night for a month. I don't even know why.

And then slowly but surely I felt all the bitterness and resentment I had toward this girl disappear. I don't know how it happened at first. Then I asked myself what I wanted to do and I knew. I realized God put her in my life for a reason - it was to bring me back to Him. As corny as it may sound, she is the one who brought me back to God. How can I shun somebody so precious like that out of my life? I knew I wanted her to be a part of my life, whether that be just as a friend or maybe something more further down the road. We've had problems again recently defining our relationship, letting our emotions get the better of us, but we still remain friends somehow. I thought for sure after she rejected me twice after leading me on I would never want to talk to her again but with God's grace I found the grace and mercy in myself to forgive her and forgive myself as well. I was so mad at myself for letting myself fall for her twice but we are all sinners who give into temptations. I must constantly remind myself that if it's not happening now then God has a reason for that too. Maybe it never will or maybe one day we can be more than friends - either way I'm leaving it in God's hands now.

As crazy as it was, I shared this testimony at large group in front of the fellowship. I never imagined myself sharing a story like this with anyone. But I think through everything that 2012 has put me through I've learned to trust in others and most importantly in God again, that it is okay to open up and share ourselves because no matter how much others disappoint us God will never disappoint us.

So now I close the pages on 2012 eagerly waiting to see what God has in store for me in 2013. Whatever it may be, I know that in the end it is all God's will and that He knows what is best for me.